For some time, I've tried to better myself. Setting a routine not by time but by actions and benefiting from their value e.g. working out on the daily since it's healthy and makes one feel better. This change in direction originated from ancient stoic philosophers' words. Though I may fail on my routine, each day is a new day to try again and succeed.
Of late, my mind has been unsteady, and somewhat fragile. This is mostly due to a woman who at first expressed interest but then distanced herself afterwards. This drastic change from no attention to sudden affection, then lack there of has destabilised me.
The past while I've considered my life up to this point: my work, my choices, my social and personal life, and forced me to consider what I really want out of life. I have her to thank for putting me in such a position, indirectly by her doing. By doing so, she exposed an area of weakness I need to resolve.
I need to realign with my dreams, whatever they may be. I need to refocus on my work, on personal growth, on bettering myself and on learning. Lastly, I need to prune people or activities that are not beneficial, that hinder or who distract. If that means disconnecting from people or someone I've started developing feelings for, it must be done. Not for myself, but for who I am meant to be in the future. Anything less would make the future me less of capable, steadfast and reliable.
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I still find myself waking up in the morning thinking of 'Apple', at times the first thought. There is something about her that is intoxicating. Outward appearance is one thing, a beautiful smile, an attractive face and a fit body. This is but a small part of the person. The mind, the personality is the real attraction. That's what I'm unable to get out of my mind. There are many 'beautiful women', but there are only a handful that are resourceful, that are 'savvy'. This is 'Apple', at least to the extent I've seen - I hope I'm not wrong.
Time will tell.
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I intend to ask for her number at some point soon to continue with and hopefully build a relationship with her. This is a part to move away from the larger 'online community' as this is a distraction and hinderance, for the time being. Further, I hope to gain more experience 'talking to women', as I'm quite inexperienced in this regard.
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I have a project for a client that's a cause of endless frustration - it's been on the backlog for sometime. Moreover, functionality requiring it to work either seems missing or inconsistent even though so many people are using it. I must be missing something, yet I've had to make several beginner level changes to example projects given by these authors just to get an idea of the software actually works. This is quite frustrating. Many hours spent, with no real progress - this is infuriating.
Tried to spend some time with friends in the night, my attention was drawn away to work. 'Apple' seemed overly concerned whether she was 'a bit much'. Had a nice laugh or 2 with them, but dipped early.
I achieved some of my goals, though work goals still remain stubbornly stagnant on the todo list. I inquired about several friends wellbeing, though only got responses from a handful at most. What makes these worse is they respond/chat with others - however the severe (intensity) feelings of rejection (whatever they may be, or caused by) have certainly diminished and are more like an after thought. Likewise, my strong feelings for 'Apple' has diminished - I am glad for it. It allows me to focus on what is important - it was a distraction, a pleasant and fanciful one which has helped me, but a distraction atleast. Though, I am certainly still very much interested in her, all I can see are 'games' being played - I'd expect better from any person.
I need to get a resolution for work issues and make progress. I'd like to go on some long day/night hikes in the next month or so. I've asked a client about moving a hand-shake contract to a formal long-term position. I hope this will give me more freedom for travel and experiencing life. At the moment, a month-to-month position is riddled with uncertainty.
Till tomorrow.
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